A network of complications
– These words falter and fade into confusion as anxiety nags at and shreds all that I think I know. Third part, more talking, more thoughts recorded. .
Friends, family, aquaintances. Just people.
How do you deal with it, them, with all of that.
When everything in your mind surrounds what I’ve talked about before; Imagination and control.
The more I think about it, the more I feel the problem.
Not always, but often enough.
To make me distant and hard to reach.
Unable to reach – myself.
It’s control. Over the imagination. Of what’s going on around me.
What do they think? What did they say? What should I say, what should I do?
What can I do, where can i go to understand what’s wrong.
It’s not them. But what’s what?
Anxiety. Is hard to deal with.
Anxiety is imagination gone wild. Gone astray. Gone sour.
I am working on it and it is working.
I can deal with little things.
But I can’t deal with these things.
These big things that
That hurt other people.
But I have no power over them.
I don’t know what they see when they see me and that I can’t deal with.
Because I have to open my eyes myself to see. I have to let go of the control.
The control that I somewhere think I have a right to.
But I don’t. Because it’s not all about me.
It’s not even remotely close to being all about me.
What I should say is:
Fuck the imagination, it’s not real.
I should say fuck the control cause it can’t be done.
And I will.
Jenny K Brennan – Dec 20 2013