House of Imp06 – Friends – Dealing with people. Why is it so hard?

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A network of complications

Friends

– These words falter and fade into confusion as anxiety nags at and shreds all that I think I know. Third part, more talking, more thoughts recorded. .

Transcript

Friends, family, aquaintances. Just people.
How do you deal with it, them, with all of that.

When everything in your mind surrounds what I’ve talked about before; Imagination and control.
The more I think about it, the more I feel the problem.

Not always, but often enough.
To make me distant and hard to reach.
Unable to reach – myself.
It’s control. Over the imagination. Of what’s going on around me.
What do they think? What did they say? What should I say, what should I do?
What can I do, where can i go to understand what’s wrong.
It’s not them. But what’s what?
Anxiety. Is hard to deal with.
Anxiety is imagination gone wild. Gone astray. Gone sour.
I am working on it and it is working.
I can deal with little things.
But I can’t deal with these things.
These big things that

That hurt other people.

But I have no power over them.
I don’t know what they see when they see me and that I can’t deal with.
Because I have to open my eyes myself to see. I have to let go of the control.

The control that I somewhere think I have a right to.
But I don’t. Because it’s not all about me.

It’s not even remotely close to being all about me.
What I should say is:
Fuck the imagination, it’s not real.
I should say fuck the control cause it can’t be done.
I should.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
I will.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 20 2013

December 18, 2013January 2, 2018

House of Imp 05 – Control – What the fuck…

Woman grabbed by darkness - Illustration

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A network of complications

Control – What the fuck just happened and why should it bother me so?

This is part two of this series of monologues about what it’s like to live in one’s own mind. I just talk, think,, talk more, and it makes little sense. But it helps me figure out what’s what. If I’m lucky.

Transcript

Control.

what is control

or rather, the lack of control, the feeling of powerlessness.
Not having control
Lack of control ccan be anything from not being paid what you think you deserve at work.
not getting the grade that you thought that superb essay was worth at school.
Not being able to deal with your children, or other people around you that just won’t behave the way you’d want them to.
It can be anything.
Control over.

Maybe you’re sick.
Maybe someone else is sick.
A lot of sick.
Maybe something is just going to hell.

You lose power, you lose control.
But thats… that’s the time to let go.

To let it be what it is.
You can not have control over other people.
Not in a deep way.
Not in a fundamental way.
You can influence other people and events.\
But you can’t have control.
Because…

It is what it is.
It will be what it will be.
And you can’t live that way.
Because things will happen, things will move on, people will change, whether you are there or not.

It is what it is.

But remember: When one door opens, another door invariably opens.
So, be in the moment.
Realize that you cannot change the world.
You can only change you.

And that’s ok.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 18 2013

December 16, 2013January 2, 2018

House of Imp 04 – Imagination – A curse, a blessing – This is where I’m at.

The earth surrounded by stars while falling apart

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A network of complications

Imagination

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I rarely talk about this. I can’t seem to make it clear in my own head, never mind explaining it so it makes sense. However, I believe that a lot of people live it. Some are worse off than me. But it is what it is. And these are my thoughts right now. Selfcentered and confused as they may be; sometimes I just need to get it on tape, as it were.

Transcript

Imagination is a funny thing, isn’t it.

Quite amazing.
As far as creativity and the occasional release of thought and emotions.

If you think about it.
This galaxy is fucking big.
But you can hold it in your mind.
And yet

it is what it is.
Things are the way they are.
It is what it is.
Imagination can also be your worst enemy.
Fucking you up big time
Anxiety and fear.

It all comes from imagining the worst.
imagining what might be, what could have been, what should have been, what was, what wasn’t.
And it’s never quite correct.

It’s

perception.

It can heal, It can destroy.

and that’s my thought of the day.
I’m trying to train my imagination to make things better, so I can feel better, so I can get better.

And it is working.
It is working.

Jenny K Brennan – Dec 16 2013

April 5, 2013January 2, 2018

House of Imp 02 – Spring is coming. JennyK just touching base.

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Archive – Update from 2013

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This is just a quick note to inform anyone and everyone that I’m still alive and present. Hear the birds in my backyard. After some health troubles I’m slowly getting stronger and motivated.

Until next time.
jenny K Brennan

Studio chaotic.

January 10, 2013May 19, 2017

01 – Select aall, delete – Studio Chaotic Podcast reset

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I’ll be back!

just needed to clean out, refresh, focus on something other than ….

What?

If (self notin player && world has ~sanity) give self ~open; Move player to limbo; give player concealed; print “Okay, if you are sure.” rtrue;

Song: Peter Cavallo “Rain and me”