JennyK on writing – A moments reflection on creative writing reluctance.

The lead of the pencil breaking after pressing down too hard.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

jennyK on Writing

A reflection on creative fiction and the funny thing that happens when the writer fights the story. The harder it tries to tell itself, the harder it is for me to hear it.

Mother of Crow – Sundered World 2. That’s what I’m working on. Slowly, painfully, bit by bit, and scene by scene. Damn, this shit is hard. This building a place and an emotion, a tension and a world, characters worth bothering with is a self-made nightmare at best, a confidence crusher at worst. Do I have any of that crucial stuff in this story? Or is it just a collection of words and interesting descriptions of thoughts and things that will move no one? Neither to tears nor laughter.

I’m not sure.

But I can’t let the story go. It lives in the back of my mind. And it changes. Characters fade and appear to freeze in some diffuse edge of the canvas where I build my world. Other come forth, wondering where they can lay their story, their thoughts, their history. And it all happens without me doing any writing for long stretches of time. Are those creatures and humans building something I cannot yet see? Do they speak amongst each other about events I have not been able to discover?

Maybe.

I think, as I write this, sensing them stir in my periphery in part glee at my powerlessness, part frustration over my inability to acknowledge the obvious, that yes they do. And it seems clear to me that I should let them. And hope that the next time I put my fingers to the keyboard that I will be able to allow them to tell me what they know.

A character

There is a dragon. Truth is that he is not quite a dragon. But he is not wholly man-made either. He had a name but that was before. He is restless. Ill at ease. These humans, what do they want? Oh, so that’s it is it? Very well. Anywhere but here. Anywhere. Come then. Come.

From

Mother of Crow.

Jenny K Brennan
December 2018

October 18, 2017October 18, 2017

Cookie cutter blog farming? And instant reaction. Yuck!

Water outlet (Hydro power station - Vännäs Sweden) All I wanted was a glass of water.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Article factories

Now, there’s something about calling something a factory that really turns me cold.
Yeah, I get that people want content and they want it fast. They want readable stuff that catch the interest of potential customers. And because it might take thousands of reads for just a few of those to ultimately spend money on something, there needs to be some serious traffic going on.

I get contacted a couple of times a day with offers to either fix up my website to look attractive to customers or to write articles for me. Oh, let’s get you hooked with $1 per article, real fucking quickly, and never mind the content. The article making factory can write shit for me.

Um, Yeah No!

And before you get mad at me; let me just say that I do get it. Your strength may not be in writing stuff and since there are people who do little else but write stuff, then why not? It’s the perfect content creation partnership — if it’s done right. Trust me, I do get that. and I’m not saying it’s all bad. But it is not for me.

My reaction to these offers is simply: No thanks, not interested, go away, please.

If I don’t have hundreds and hundreds of blogs on my website, it’s because I haven’t written hundreds and hundreds of articles. It’s not because I couldn’t find mass produced content for cheap. It is because I don’t want content that is not mine or completely endorsed by me on my site. I don’t have time to sift through sludge to find nuggets. I really don’t. and to be completely honest, I don’t trust content aggregators to know what’s right for me, my brand, and my website. I’m really not all that interested in numbers.

I read enough bad content online to know I don’t want that! And I also see so much crap out there that I do not want to contribute to this cluster-fuck of awful that happens when demand goes from quality to quantity where no one benefits. Except for the Blog writing farms that pay pennies for creativity.
You know, you get what you pay for.
An article I pay a dollar for will not be a good one no matter how you slice it. And in such a case where the read is actually quite interesting, I would feel uneasy about not showing the creator enough respect to pay them properly.
I would happily link to the article, endorse it, and see that people find their way there. Sigh. Old fashioned? 🙂 maybe. Then so be it.

Cookie cutter blog farms? No thank you. not for me. Sorry.

January 11, 2017January 18, 2019

If I were a building – A bit of prose – A thought experiment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

If I were a building.

A thought experiment.
By jenny K Brennan

I would have cubby holes and symmetry. Flexibility and safety. I would be space age and dreamscape, order and safety. I would have a name.
My foundation would hold steady in any storm within or without. But come the will and need I would move.
Based on all the souls that made me, my boundaries would be no more and no less than the sum of you.
Saving space to give it room.

I would hold safe and offer myself as toolshed and canvas for those within my body.
Were you to paint a mural on my wall, I would attractor you a muse and mentor.
I would have order within reason. I would demand respect as I give it.
I would be dignified but offer my spaces for laughter and lovemaking.
Where I catch the sun, where I protect from wind, where
I offer hiding places, it all makes sense.
I would have a spirit but no designated place to speak to me. I would constantly listen and accommodate wishes in all the ways I am capable.
I would be strong and beautiful. I would be dignified and pure. I would be your safe haven and your communication device.

If I were a building I would be your home. And yours. And yours. And all your homes would be your perfect home as my body and spirit wants to hold only those who understand to respect their spaces with love and creativity. Do with me what you wish
and if your wish is for a place to be really you, I will let you and I will keep you for as long as you desire. Your dream home; for a time or for a life, for your children to be offered that same choice.

If I were a building. I would be your dream home. And yours. And yours.

Jenny Brennan
January 11 2017

December 14, 2016December 18, 2018

Focus, Girl, focus! On the slippery borderland between inspiration and desperation – Reflection on the todo list

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Focus! Get at it. Rant time for JennyK — Again. 🙂

Feeling scattered, unfocused, restless. So much I want to do. But what? Which of the many things I want to do should I direct my attention to? O, what a first world problem. 🙂 But still, it’s something that unfortunately becomes bigger the more I ponder it. One day becomes a week becomes a month becomes the seed of uncertainty. Writers block? — Maybe.
But honestly, it it was only about sitting down to write because I’m not writing, I could simply sit down and write. But I find it hard to sit down and write when the constant critic in the back of my mind reminds me that I should record those vocals and transcribe those lyrics, world-building for Mother of Crow. And do some social media promotion, update the twitterverse, format my old computer for someone else to take it over, push to find someone to review my book, write an interesting blog on the website, some fantastic reward on patreon, add something on reverbnation, upload a track on soundcloud, do the laundry, organize my backup cds, scan my mail for OCR, call my mother, get the….

Whoah there, Fool. This is getting more than ridiculous.. and I didn’t even mention exercising, , writing a 100K word novel, feed the dog, making an appointment with the dentist, deal with paperwork I would rather burn…. and cut my toenails. —- Oh, and podcasting, don’t forget the people who actually do know I’m around and who do hear me, my music, my band and our music, subscribe to my blogs, and perhaps also enjoy my fiction and other rants.

Oh, and I really should be social and call the few friends I do have, make an effort to “get out there” and be interested in the rest of the world.

Well.
Should, could, would. Aint gonna unless I — focus?

Here is that point… The point I often reach when I drag it out in the open to look at it and realize how ridiculous it really is.

It’s the point where I balance on the slippery borderline between inspiration and desperation.

I can choose to look at that list and get overwhelmed by it. I can be sad for the people I feel I’m disappointing and despair over the inevitable giving up on me. And I can add to that list this: I need to get better and work harder.

😀 (And we all know how well such a pledge works. It doesn’t!)

Or….

I can take a look at that list and break it into pieces, see them as parts of the whole and realize that at this moment, this second, just now; I can’t deal with all of that no matter how much I try. If I look at those things one at a time I will notice that none of them are a big deal. If I see them separately, they are all good things.

Oh, maybe not the dentist thing.

But seriously; It’s all good.

With focus. Hmm. Back at the beginning. I feel a pattern appearing as I type this. Seeing and dealing with one thing at a time does take some type of focus. And that is where I get lost.

So I ask you, listener, reader, friend;

How do you focus? . What are your tips and tricks to manage all the things when they start to overwhelm you? Do you procrastinate to the point of anxiety and panic? Do you schedule your days and stick to it?

I know I’ve been rambling like a neurotic nut in this post, but I am genuinely curious. Leave a comment and share your thoughts. I didn’t manage to make things much clearer in this rant so I need to sit on this for a while as I’m sure the amazing “back of my mind” is working on it. As long as I let it do that without fretting more just now and then maybe. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll leave it to you – and my poor subconscious for a little while.

Let me know what you think 🙂 Because I could really use your help. Certainly some other perspective and maybe even the classic kick in the ass. 😀

Jen

August 6, 2016December 18, 2018

The validity of online bands – A band members perspective

Reading Time: 3 minutes

This virtual band – Is it real?”

What does it mean to be an exclusively online band?

There are probably as many answers to that as there are online bands currently online. 😀 But as always, I have my own take on it and and it is slightly troubled.

It is a normal thing these days – collaborations between individuals that do not, and may never, meet in real life. It’s getting easier and easier to pull it off. There are problems with it but in my case, the advantages are overwhelming. Without places like Kompoz.com I would not be on the path that I am. A member of a great band with a serious album release coming up.

But is it as valuable and “real” as a “normal” arrangement where things happen within a studio space, a garage, a basement, or at a gig in the local bar?

Well. Of course it is.

I say that with confidence because I know it is true. But do I say it with true feeling and belief?

I don’t know. And that bothers me.

Or maybe it bothers me more that I would love to jam in the studio with those I create music with and that is something that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. 🙂

But back to the point; The validity of online bands.

When this phenomena started to appear, they were commonly called “Virtual” bands. And that has done quite a bit of harm in my perspective. The word “Virtual” means “Not real”. And if you don’t think words have power, then think again. Using those words in a sentence becomes a big hole that is hard to climb out of. Let’s just take this short conversation and see what is really going on:

What is said:
“Hey pal, I just joined a virtual band, I’m the guitar player. is that cool or what?”
What Pal is hearing:
“Hey Pal, I just joined a pretend band, where I pretend to be a rock star on the internet, where nothing is real, Is that cool or what?”

What Pal says:
“Yeah? Sounds like fun.”
What Pal is thinking:
“Yeah? You chatting on skype about guitar hero, hoping to get a record deal? Good luck with that!”

Yeah, I know. That sounds really bad. An maybe it’s not quite like that anymore. But moving away from the word “Virtual” hasn’t quite repaired the damage done. At least not for me.

But isn’t the issue more about my personal experience of always believing that music is a “hobby”? -hobby, another word that I wish I could delete from my vocabulary. Another powerful word that in my mind means; “Something that doesn’t matter.”

Yes. I think so. I believe my view is skewed toward the negative. So back to why I am so troubled and what I can do about it.

The trouble is a lack of confidence. This has no quick fix. But it is growing, and here’s how:

By doing what I love and worrying less about what other people think. slowly learning that what I do is okay. And that it has value. Slowly, but surely, I’m learning to say “This is my band, we are the bomb! Come check this!” With true feeling and belief. 😀

By not using that word at all. Instead of saying “Online band”, just say “band” Who would know the difference? Is there really a need to point out that we don’t tour, we don’t gig, and we’ve never met? Really? Because if I really probe at how I feel when I say I’m in an online band” vs “I’m in a band.” Now, I choose the latter.

By abolishing the word “hobby” in the studio. In all seriousness; Working ten hours a day without pay is work. And just because it is work I created myself because I love it, does that make it a hobby? Hell no. But isn’t that the crux of the matter? The definition of work Is “I do this, you give me money.” The work we do is different and the rewards are different. But that doesn’t make them less.

By moving forward.
The truth is that any band, online or not, actually doesn’t have a product to show until the work is done. Rare are the magical appearances of record company representatives offering a generous advance, promising fame and fortune. No. We do the work first, then we let it out, let it live, and hope for the best. And it’s still not free, still no paycheck. And that has to be fine.

And the simple truth is that it is! It has to be fine because the bottom line is: I do what i am, and I am what I do. And at the end of this page, after calling it out in the open, the word “virtual” has somehow lost part of its power. I still can’t say the word “hobby” without cringing, but I am like all the creations I’ve imagined and sometimes brought to life. A constant work in progress.

JennyK. From the Dungeon of curiosities and psychiatry – third padded cell on the left.

August 4, 2016December 18, 2018

The Flanger Perception – A music production snapshot from the making of “This Sundered World” by Icarus Machine

Reading Time: 2 minutes

The flanger perception

A music production snapshot from the making of “This Sundered World” by Icarus Machine. .

So there is this song. And there are these wave files that I created by yelling miserably into the microphone, because that is what the song warranted. So I was a bit intimate with the mic. It happens right? And the take turned out just how I wanted it. I didn’t really check the result in the file.

So that’s all fine and dandy. Files are sent to Bill. He puts them in place, sounds great.

Except for this little click I hear. It annoys me. Now, fast forward a few weeks when we go back and forth working on the mixes for this album – This Sundered World. Many things are redone and fixed, and straightened out. But that click is still there.

Bil: “Where? I can’t hear it.”

Fast forward some more. I’m ready to bite my fingers off.
Bill is ready to send me to the lunatic asylum. I’m hearing things all over the place.
Finally we get some other problems taken care of, everything is fine.

Except for that click. That damn click.

Bill: “Where? I still can’t hear anything.”

Silence

Bill: “Well, there is that tiny little click there. I thought it was part of the flanger.”

Silence.

Bill: “Oh. What are the F-ing odds of that? It’s in the flanger. Shut that off and it’s gone.”

Me: “Ah.”

Bill: “the main shape of the flanger setting is rectangular
with no smoothness, it’s got a vertical transition across the waveform axis. All I did was change the shape of the flange and it’s fixed.”

At that point I glazed over and started thinking about other things. Not that I don’t understand it, but there is a reason I sing. I can be a tiresome pain in the ass and in the end Bill will fix the bad I create, and I don’t need to understand waveform politics.

Me: “So it wasn’t all my fault then?”

Bill: “Well, if you had been singing it differently…”

Me: “Blow me.”

So, In the end I’m not going to the asylum, although I’m certain that Bill will find more reasons to send the dreaded men in white to Ontario. But I can deal with that.
more importantly; I will check my files more often. And Bill will never again trust a flanger.

JennyK – From the dungeons of phase shifting and zero-crossings.